just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
