he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
