Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
