Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize