I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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