hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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