4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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