Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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