The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
