Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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