Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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