I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
