I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
