Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize