If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
