So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize