My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
