The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
