what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
