I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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