Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
