I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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