Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
