Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
