Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
