The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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