We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
