That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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