I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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