Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
