Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize