there's paper in my vomit.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
