Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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