He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
