I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
