i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
