I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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