I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
