this boner is exhausting
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
