am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
