I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
