at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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