I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
