Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
