matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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