Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
