Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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