Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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