saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
