i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
