the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
