Cold hands, warm shart.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
