On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
