I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
