Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize