Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
