I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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