This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
