I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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