If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
