There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
