i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
