If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
